Serious Planet of the Apes action

Posted by yz on Tuesday, March 24, 2009 in

Listening to Blink 182 - Always

So NMMU is in the middle of a game reserve. This means that the animals have more rights than the students. Most of them are actually really cool about it. They keep to their part of the campus and we keep to ours. They don’t really flaunt the fact that they own us. Except for the monkeys. The monkeys are the biggest bullies on campus. They jump on you. They reach in to your bag and take your food. They enter your room on school res and steal your food. Actually stealing would imply some hiding, then running. It would imply that you don’t want to be seen. The monkeys are like the Sopranos, without the cool one-liners. They just wander around campus menacingly like they own the place, taking what they want, and biting whoever messes with them. Don’t you dare look at them wrong either. University advice regarding the bloody pests?

Do not feed the monkeys on campus! (Do not patronize thy master the monkey)
This does not take in account that the buggers take your food. There was no offer. I didn’t lean over and say, “Hey, you… up there on the branch…yeah, you. Wanna share my chicken tikka roti ?“ No I didn’t.

Do not go near them or tease them (Nigga, don't patronize thy master the monkey!)
What about if they come near me? When I am sitting attempting to study outside for once? And what’s the definition of tease for a monkey anyway? And why can’t we tease them, why don’t they have a sense of humour? Am I stereotyping? Is it only chimps with sense of a humour?

Hide food if you have any with you (Fear thy master the monkey)
You see! Why would I need to hide my food if I didn’t intend to offer it to the bloody monkeys in the first place?

If they approach you, wave them away with a book or bag?( Ok, so you got the dumb end of the stick. Go ahead, wave your bag...go on)
Now isn’t that teasing? Because you just said don’t tease. Waving at the monkey…not teasing?

Don’t litter or leave food unattended (If thou mess with thy master the monkey, thou had best run)
That makes sense I guess…unless you just finished waving at the monkey and it attacked you and so you had to run. Which happens a lot.

If you are bitten have the wound checked immediately by medical staff or a doctor (Thy master the monkey is free to punish as he sees fit. )
No shit. I don’t know where that monkey’s been. These gangsta monkeys be ripping down the safe sex posters so vicously, like it personally offends them.