Once upon a time, in a little town in the Great Rift Valley...Part 3

Posted by yz on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 in story,

"Do you still like me?"

Ann hesitated. That was the million dollar question wasn't it? Could she say, no, she didn't like him? She wanted to say that. It would be so easy if she did. That would put things back where they had been once. But wouldn't that be choosing limbo? Isn't that what she was supposed to be coming out of right now? No. Yes. Maybe. Ugh. She fought the urge to bite her nails as she battled with herself.

Be honest with yourself! She thought biting her lip. Ok, fine. If she was going for honesty she might as well admit that she deep down, she was secretly hoping he would realize he loved her. She cringed as she accepted that. So saying no was simple because she got to go back to that gray area, a place filled with enough ambiguity for her to keep him in her life without feeling like she was sacrificing her pride.

I am weak, she realized weak enough to believe in a fairytale that is never going to come true. Being conscious of her weakness left a dull ache in her chest. Could she be strong enough to say yes then? The dull ache immediately transformed into sadness. She might lose him forever.

You don't really have him idiot! How can you lose what you have never had?

It's true I've never had him but he's always been my friend. Friendship is important too...

There are other people who can be your friends. Say no, and you'll never move on, you'll never even give another guy a proper chance. Saying no is being selfish and weak. Say yes. Put it out there. A clean break. We need a clean break.

But isn't it selfish to say yes too? I'm forcing him in to a corner, forcing him to make a decision about our relationship. I can't say yes and take it back. If I say yes, that's it. What if he chooses me and it doesn't work out. Won't I be to blame for that unhappiness? What about his girlfriend? Doesn't she matter here? With yes, there are only two options and someone is going to get hurt either way. At least if I say no, no one gets hurt. Everything will go on as before...

No one besides yourself! In limbo again? Waiting for the off chance that he'll come on some smelly horse to ride away with you into a sunset and a white castle? Before was not that great. The real question here isn't yes or no; it's the known or the unknown. If you say no, you will go back to pining in silence and whatnot. If you say yes...who knows?

This thought brought her to a halt. She hated this especially because she knew what she had to do. She looked down at the ground and wished that the earth would swallow her but the rich red-brown dirt beneath her blue umojas remained still. She dared a glance at Derrick but he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to hear her answer.

Why are should and can different? She brooded. I should be honest. There's no better time than now. It doesn't mean that I can though. It doesn't mean that I will...how can I claim to love him if I can't admit it to anyone besides myself?

That thought was uncomfortable and she paused. What does that mean? Ugh, this is getting me nowhere fast. Just choose. So she took a deep breath which caught his attention. Their gazes met and held. Then she said it

"No," she said out loud to him, and to herself because I'm a coward