Tips and Tricks for the ignorant

Posted by yz on Monday, March 15, 2010 in

You would think that most guys know these things but apparently I am wrong. And so, in an effort to save you and your victims I present a few tips.

If you are a guy, you like this girl and you’re in a bar cradling a beer when said girl walks in,

1. Don’t steal a kiss when she offers a hug. Even if it’s from her cheeks. It is just weird.

If 3 hours later, she walks into the same bar where you happen to be, again, and your blood alcohol level has increased in direct proportion to the amount of time passed,

1. Do not run and hug her. You smell bad, ok? The cologne is finished. OVER. Now it is just sweat and smoke from your cigarettes. Horses smell better.


2. If you ask her to dance and she says no, leave her alone. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, grab her hand and begin pulling her or grab her shoulders and begin shaking her shoulders in dancing movements. It is not funny. It is only annoying. You are pissing her off.


3. Do not declare your undying affection for her while squeezing her scalp in one huge palm after you shoved her head into your armpit in misdirected move to your mouth so she could hear you better when you are shouting.


4. Do not hit on her cousin.


5. Do not hit on her other cousin.


6. Do not follow her around the club.


7. Do not attempt deep conversation on why she does not like you back in the club.


8. When you finally piss her off and she snaps at you, do not attempt to kiss her.


9. When she sees you and runs for the bathroom do not wait outside the bathroom door until she comes out.


10. Do not tell her what she thinks and then get pissed off when she disagrees with you.


11. When you hug her and you catch her holding a make believe gun to her head to her laughing friend behind you in the mirror on the wall, take a hint


12. If every time you want to have a conversation with her, she happens to be in the middle of her beefiest male friends or crazy violent girl friends, take a hint

Basically if you like a girl and you are drunk, you're ruining your chances by attempting to talk to her so just stay away. Smile and retreat. Unless she likes you back, then obviously none of this applies.