all over the place
Old post circa January 2019
It’s raining in dry season. The weather has been all over the place for a while which resonates with my mind. It too is all over the place, emphasis on ALL. In fact, break that English right up. My mind is all over the places. For example, I’m doing a thing you may know as free association, doing a thing to get myself writing where I just write the first thing that comes to mind and goes from there. I find that trying too hard is where the problems begin. You sit and you plan and get all these grand ideas and designs about what it is you want and how you are going to go about getting it. of course, the world is circus that specializes in fuckery (oops, this should be a R rated fuckery for Language blog now). But yes, the world is a circus that’s specializes in fuckery. Just people going up and down not intentionally meaning to fuck you over but fucking your over all the same.
The feeling I’ve been feeling for the past two years, maybe three, is definitely that there’s no point to any of this. There’s a reason that they call it a rat race. No one wins in a rat race. There are people who think they win. Who see the mini trophies that the world gives them and think that means they have actually won but they haven’t. the car, the house, the kids. None of it means anything in the grand scheme of things unless you actually prescribe meaning to it yourself. But of course, we don’t do these things. We wait for other people to determine the meaning for us. Is it an actual thing that we believe? That other people must decide for us how things? Is it because this is how we are raised; do we never evolve from the child looking to their mother for guidance?
Of course, I say this from the lofty perch above it all. Don’t worry. I know this perch is precarious and I will tumble and fall any time soon. Maybe I hope to fall. You don’t know and quite frankly neither do I. But yes, I sit on this perch and think about it all. And I know the reason for my lack of motivation is simply because I see through the façade that the world has, I see through the trophies and the little rewards and I want more. I want satisfaction at the end of the day, I want mind-blowing experiences, I want unequivocal peace. And it’s precisely because I have experienced these things that I know it is possible to get them. So then attempting to be satisfied with the mundane. Just waking up and doing what I did the day before over and over again begins to seem like a slow death. Of course, I can’t sit at home and do nothing either because that’s slow death 2.0.
So then what?
It’s raining in dry season. The weather has been all over the place for a while which resonates with my mind. It too is all over the place, emphasis on ALL. In fact, break that English right up. My mind is all over the places. For example, I’m doing a thing you may know as free association, doing a thing to get myself writing where I just write the first thing that comes to mind and goes from there. I find that trying too hard is where the problems begin. You sit and you plan and get all these grand ideas and designs about what it is you want and how you are going to go about getting it. of course, the world is circus that specializes in fuckery (oops, this should be a R rated fuckery for Language blog now). But yes, the world is a circus that’s specializes in fuckery. Just people going up and down not intentionally meaning to fuck you over but fucking your over all the same.
The feeling I’ve been feeling for the past two years, maybe three, is definitely that there’s no point to any of this. There’s a reason that they call it a rat race. No one wins in a rat race. There are people who think they win. Who see the mini trophies that the world gives them and think that means they have actually won but they haven’t. the car, the house, the kids. None of it means anything in the grand scheme of things unless you actually prescribe meaning to it yourself. But of course, we don’t do these things. We wait for other people to determine the meaning for us. Is it an actual thing that we believe? That other people must decide for us how things? Is it because this is how we are raised; do we never evolve from the child looking to their mother for guidance?
Of course, I say this from the lofty perch above it all. Don’t worry. I know this perch is precarious and I will tumble and fall any time soon. Maybe I hope to fall. You don’t know and quite frankly neither do I. But yes, I sit on this perch and think about it all. And I know the reason for my lack of motivation is simply because I see through the façade that the world has, I see through the trophies and the little rewards and I want more. I want satisfaction at the end of the day, I want mind-blowing experiences, I want unequivocal peace. And it’s precisely because I have experienced these things that I know it is possible to get them. So then attempting to be satisfied with the mundane. Just waking up and doing what I did the day before over and over again begins to seem like a slow death. Of course, I can’t sit at home and do nothing either because that’s slow death 2.0.
So then what?
hi! thanks for commenting. I'm always open to new ideas. I can't wait to hear yours.