untitled
Old post circa June 2016
I used to live in a dream, to dance through the sky skipping from cloud to cloud. Not that I was blissfully happy. Oh no. I had disappointment, betrayal, guilt and shame to spare. Still, once upon a time my imagination was my friend, my shield against the world, the fire at the entrance to my cave. The happiness and sadness, all of it was filtered through a mind that bent like that famous willow, adapting and what I couldn't take in I let out through my words, through short passages that healed my mind and left me refreshed.
These days the stories are still here, the urge to write still pressing but it seems like life is pressing harder. Where before I skipped along now I struggle to catch my breath, falling through once steady dreams to meet an unforgiving ground. Blink, kick. Gasp,punch. Quiver, slash. Hesitate, bleed. There's no time to stop and ponder to take it all in. I'm running faster than I should in a race I don't believe chasing a dream I can barely glimpse anymore. The good and the bad, it doesn't matter. Alll of it pours in and before I can process, boom, on to the next one. Ready or not here life comes!
I'm lying in bed right now with a thousand things to do and a million things undone. My eyes are heavy, so are my legs. I've got a gut I'd like to get rid off. The dogs bark in the night and the bar across the street is filled with the sound of life lived, click of a pool queue against the ball, music, a loud argument oiled with a local brew. He messages me and yes my heart skipped a beat. My friend's heart is broken and an emoji is better than nothing. There's three groups to check in on and giggle, find motivation or check in with family. Should I switch windows and go to them because yes I want to answer right away but perhaps that's the problem. That I'm escaping into people where before I used to escape into myself? So I'm still here and I'm still typing and I want to hope I'll continue but I never have in 4 years. It's been four plus years since I wrote and no wonder my mind is a mess because I love words. I love what semantics can do with 26 letters. I love that with a comma or a pause a whole world can flip topsy turvy. I miss that I had some talent at this. I don't know who I am without words.I don't think I want to. One day I won't have the option to write anymore. One day I won't be here or worse one day I won't remember how much I loved it, and the deep achey feeling where before I was at peace will be the norm.
This is me being my own rope, my own Prince charming. This is me grasping onto something I love for dear life.
Hello world.
I used to live in a dream, to dance through the sky skipping from cloud to cloud. Not that I was blissfully happy. Oh no. I had disappointment, betrayal, guilt and shame to spare. Still, once upon a time my imagination was my friend, my shield against the world, the fire at the entrance to my cave. The happiness and sadness, all of it was filtered through a mind that bent like that famous willow, adapting and what I couldn't take in I let out through my words, through short passages that healed my mind and left me refreshed.
These days the stories are still here, the urge to write still pressing but it seems like life is pressing harder. Where before I skipped along now I struggle to catch my breath, falling through once steady dreams to meet an unforgiving ground. Blink, kick. Gasp,punch. Quiver, slash. Hesitate, bleed. There's no time to stop and ponder to take it all in. I'm running faster than I should in a race I don't believe chasing a dream I can barely glimpse anymore. The good and the bad, it doesn't matter. Alll of it pours in and before I can process, boom, on to the next one. Ready or not here life comes!
I'm lying in bed right now with a thousand things to do and a million things undone. My eyes are heavy, so are my legs. I've got a gut I'd like to get rid off. The dogs bark in the night and the bar across the street is filled with the sound of life lived, click of a pool queue against the ball, music, a loud argument oiled with a local brew. He messages me and yes my heart skipped a beat. My friend's heart is broken and an emoji is better than nothing. There's three groups to check in on and giggle, find motivation or check in with family. Should I switch windows and go to them because yes I want to answer right away but perhaps that's the problem. That I'm escaping into people where before I used to escape into myself? So I'm still here and I'm still typing and I want to hope I'll continue but I never have in 4 years. It's been four plus years since I wrote and no wonder my mind is a mess because I love words. I love what semantics can do with 26 letters. I love that with a comma or a pause a whole world can flip topsy turvy. I miss that I had some talent at this. I don't know who I am without words.I don't think I want to. One day I won't have the option to write anymore. One day I won't be here or worse one day I won't remember how much I loved it, and the deep achey feeling where before I was at peace will be the norm.
This is me being my own rope, my own Prince charming. This is me grasping onto something I love for dear life.
Hello world.
hi! thanks for commenting. I'm always open to new ideas. I can't wait to hear yours.