Soul 298722
Heaven, 9th February 1987
Heaven is in the midst of the usual daily of eternal life. Angels go about their business. The souls are all on a major chill except for the ones whose next life is coming up. Soul 298722 is one of these souls. Unlike the recent arrivals who spend most of the time hopping around from cloud to cloud, touching everything they see, and muttering in awe to themselves, “I made it, who’da thunk” her time is spent lining up. She’s spent the morning in queues, race, IQ, blah blah blah. It has been boring but necessary and stock was somehow always limited but so far she’s come out ok. She is in the last queue finally and she steps up to Mary. Mary doesn’t even look up from the scroll she is looking at.
“Departure date?”
“Today”
“Another procrastinator” She raises her eyebrows above the scroll to look at the silvery soul standing in front of her.
“For a departure date that soon, let’s see what you filled out” she drops the scroll.
298722 hands over the form she’d filled in. Mary takes it and looks at it then sighs and grabs another form and begins to check it.
“You are all the same. God likes a little diversity you know. In fact we were discussing it last night at dinner, Jesus cooked his famous fish fingers. Everyone thinks that he gave the people fish and bread but actually it was fish fingers. The Holy Spirit made pudding for dessert…but I digress. This form should match the future parents. The person you have picked out looks like a Soul 340926 currently a Meghan Good.
Take it from me, parents like the kid to bear them a resemblance like with Joseph? It was only the fact that God did it that let me get off easy. Now let’s see, female, hmm, that’ll be a nice surprise. hair check. Boobs, oh look, you get big ones, check. Dark skin check, short sighted check, medium height check…”
The list continues until satisfied Mary stamps the form and then hands it over to 298722.
298722 looks over the form and then looks up a little dismayed. “Can’t I at least get hips and a bum? I’m Ugandan, see here? And I met this other soul once I found out my nationality designation. He used to be a Kabeka, Kubake, Kabaka or something like that and he was pretty insistent that I make sure to get the hips and bum,”
Mary has already picked up the other scroll. “You did get those”
“Yeah, but medium size and the Kubake said those don’t count…”
“Limited stock on big size. Ran out three souls ago, sorry,”
Muttering 298722 makes her way to the departure gate. Departure time is 3pm and the huge clock in the middle of the center says its 2.45. She considers going to watch Jesus and God play against Gabriel and Paul. It was supposed to be Charades. It’s a better idea than standing in line waiting around. In a blink she arrives and the game is barely started. Its Jesus and God. God is in front and Jesus is guessing while Gabriel sits looking smug.
298722 sits down as God begins. He wiggles two fingers in a walking motion.
“Person” Jesus states calmly and God nods.
God points at Jesus.
“Me? Jesus?” God shakes his head but keeps pointing. “The Resurrection? The Second Coming?”
God quickly nods.
Jesus frowns a little. “The Second Coming? A person related to the Second Coming?”
God nods again.
“Um, lets see. Lucifer?”
God shakes his head. “Saddam Hussein? Margaret Thatcher? “ Annoyed that God continued to shake his head, Jesus blurts
“You think people use your name in vain? People use the second coming to make fun of their constipation! Give me something else!”
Frustrated God shakes his head then turns himself the colour of café au lait.
“A black someone important?” Jesus asks. God nods.
Jesus face clears and he yells as Gabriel cries out.
“that Kenyan kid. Barack Obama. The first black President of the U.S.A. No one thought it’d happen before my Second Coming. Go Dad!”
“that’s cheating, I mean, We can’t all do that!”
“I’m God. Whatcha gonna do about it?”
Just then the PA system crackles and buzzes.
“Will Soul 298722 please report to the departure gate. Soul 298722 your stork is ready to depart,”
Gabriel is still complaining while God is daring him to do something about it as 298722 jumps up and flits to the gate to find an unamused Peter. He stamps her scroll and the Pearly White Gates shudder open to reveal a hideous winged thing that has no business calling itself a bird.
“What is that?!” 298722 asks taking a step backward.
“A Marabou stork. It won’t look out of place where you’re going. Please step under the memory eraser now. Your ‘mother’ has already been in labour for 8hours now”
298722 steps under the memory eraser and her memory of being Queen Nefertiti is erased. Done, Peter’s helpers, guide her to the Marabou Stork and help her on.
“Your soul will automatically transfer to your new body once you arrive. Have a nice life 298722, I mean YZ”
…and here we are 22 years later. Happy Birthday to me!
Heaven is in the midst of the usual daily of eternal life. Angels go about their business. The souls are all on a major chill except for the ones whose next life is coming up. Soul 298722 is one of these souls. Unlike the recent arrivals who spend most of the time hopping around from cloud to cloud, touching everything they see, and muttering in awe to themselves, “I made it, who’da thunk” her time is spent lining up. She’s spent the morning in queues, race, IQ, blah blah blah. It has been boring but necessary and stock was somehow always limited but so far she’s come out ok. She is in the last queue finally and she steps up to Mary. Mary doesn’t even look up from the scroll she is looking at.
“Departure date?”
“Today”
“Another procrastinator” She raises her eyebrows above the scroll to look at the silvery soul standing in front of her.
“For a departure date that soon, let’s see what you filled out” she drops the scroll.
298722 hands over the form she’d filled in. Mary takes it and looks at it then sighs and grabs another form and begins to check it.
“You are all the same. God likes a little diversity you know. In fact we were discussing it last night at dinner, Jesus cooked his famous fish fingers. Everyone thinks that he gave the people fish and bread but actually it was fish fingers. The Holy Spirit made pudding for dessert…but I digress. This form should match the future parents. The person you have picked out looks like a Soul 340926 currently a Meghan Good.
Take it from me, parents like the kid to bear them a resemblance like with Joseph? It was only the fact that God did it that let me get off easy. Now let’s see, female, hmm, that’ll be a nice surprise. hair check. Boobs, oh look, you get big ones, check. Dark skin check, short sighted check, medium height check…”
The list continues until satisfied Mary stamps the form and then hands it over to 298722.
298722 looks over the form and then looks up a little dismayed. “Can’t I at least get hips and a bum? I’m Ugandan, see here? And I met this other soul once I found out my nationality designation. He used to be a Kabeka, Kubake, Kabaka or something like that and he was pretty insistent that I make sure to get the hips and bum,”
Mary has already picked up the other scroll. “You did get those”
“Yeah, but medium size and the Kubake said those don’t count…”
“Limited stock on big size. Ran out three souls ago, sorry,”
Muttering 298722 makes her way to the departure gate. Departure time is 3pm and the huge clock in the middle of the center says its 2.45. She considers going to watch Jesus and God play against Gabriel and Paul. It was supposed to be Charades. It’s a better idea than standing in line waiting around. In a blink she arrives and the game is barely started. Its Jesus and God. God is in front and Jesus is guessing while Gabriel sits looking smug.
298722 sits down as God begins. He wiggles two fingers in a walking motion.
“Person” Jesus states calmly and God nods.
God points at Jesus.
“Me? Jesus?” God shakes his head but keeps pointing. “The Resurrection? The Second Coming?”
God quickly nods.
Jesus frowns a little. “The Second Coming? A person related to the Second Coming?”
God nods again.
“Um, lets see. Lucifer?”
God shakes his head. “Saddam Hussein? Margaret Thatcher? “ Annoyed that God continued to shake his head, Jesus blurts
“You think people use your name in vain? People use the second coming to make fun of their constipation! Give me something else!”
Frustrated God shakes his head then turns himself the colour of café au lait.
“A black someone important?” Jesus asks. God nods.
Jesus face clears and he yells as Gabriel cries out.
“that Kenyan kid. Barack Obama. The first black President of the U.S.A. No one thought it’d happen before my Second Coming. Go Dad!”
“that’s cheating, I mean, We can’t all do that!”
“I’m God. Whatcha gonna do about it?”
Just then the PA system crackles and buzzes.
“Will Soul 298722 please report to the departure gate. Soul 298722 your stork is ready to depart,”
Gabriel is still complaining while God is daring him to do something about it as 298722 jumps up and flits to the gate to find an unamused Peter. He stamps her scroll and the Pearly White Gates shudder open to reveal a hideous winged thing that has no business calling itself a bird.
“What is that?!” 298722 asks taking a step backward.
“A Marabou stork. It won’t look out of place where you’re going. Please step under the memory eraser now. Your ‘mother’ has already been in labour for 8hours now”
298722 steps under the memory eraser and her memory of being Queen Nefertiti is erased. Done, Peter’s helpers, guide her to the Marabou Stork and help her on.
“Your soul will automatically transfer to your new body once you arrive. Have a nice life 298722, I mean YZ”
…and here we are 22 years later. Happy Birthday to me!
9 comments
LOL!! I like this!
REPLYExcept...
[geek mode]
There is a flaw in your numbering system. Soul 298722, the last two integers are based on your current age, no? So does that mean next year your Soul departure number will have changed? But it cant, because you're already here, no?
*sigh* this is confusing...
[exit geek mode]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! Another Feb kid. Wooooohooo!
Happy birthday to u.
REPLYIts yo day so have a very blessed one.
Happy Birthday. This is an excellent piece.
REPLYDK, get OUT of geek mode!
WOW. [And I don't misplace my capslock judgements] So, WOW! [I don't freely give out exclamation marks]
REPLYI feel like it's me receiving a birthday gift. TREMENDOUSLY DONE, girl.
@DK - the departure number changes until it becomes your arrival number. but see that's only the first 6 numbers, its personalized ven further but that's all i remember...you due to having my memory erased...aah! you're bringing out the geek!
REPLY@jny23ug - thank you. i had a lovely day
@petesmama - dankie!
@Erique - what can i say? stock wasn't limited at the intelligence queue, humility maybe.
Tried hard to keep my envy at bay but just couldn't....great stuff!
REPLYI still have an extra seat for a scriptwriter on my debut movie and that's after the Wachowskis have retired. Are you in?
HAPPY BDAY
@ payo - if you pay in ciao ciao straciatella and hazel nut then i'm game!
REPLYgee, you share a bday with my mum, that makes you special in my books :D
REPLYhow in the world could have my all seeing eye(think lord of the rings, eye) missed this novel relief...this piece is an absolute winner..excellently well written and now that i see Erique's comment, i do believe he wrote something like this...both treading on holy ground but then managing to come out excellently...
REPLYhi! thanks for commenting. I'm always open to new ideas. I can't wait to hear yours.