midnight musings

Posted by yz on Tuesday, January 12, 2010 in

There is something about home at night that I love. The dark room, lit only by the computer screen, the shadows are whatever I want them to be. Then there are the night sounds, the groaning fridge, water filling the water tank balancing in the space between mabaati and ceiling*,the creak as my grandmother turns in her bed, the crunch of dry leaves under shoe as the watchman walks by my window, my sister's slight snore, my fingers against the keys. If I can find a perfect play list (which I have tonight) then it's enough perfect for me.

I've been so busy living that I haven't left time to blog. My kind of living. Playing with my baby cousins, acting as a parental figure at outings for the slightly older ones and turning a blind eye to boys who appear the moment their mothers are gone, sitting among friends and laughing so much my stomach hurts.

There are the parts I could live with out. The trivial annoyances like the unwanted return to childhood, having to say where I'm going, with whom and arguing about the hour of return, the dust, yes I'm complaining about it finally. The not so trivial one that made my world pause for a moment, losing one of my sweetest cousins on Christmas morning. She was "smiling Debbie", 14, bright eyed with big dreams. She'd started saving so she could go to Harvard... We made it through that earthquake somehow, a little more scarred, not sure anyone could breath right but alive. I'm tired of trying to understand things like this,tired of being angry, tired of finding meaning where there is none.

That's where the end of the year found me, floundering and unwilling to admit it. Somehow made my way in to a church for the New Year’s eve. The very first one I spent in church, looking for hope and you know, something to hold on to because sometimes life is just more than you can handle. I couldn't immediately sense Him in those hallowed halls but when I stopped looking so hard He was there, in the texts that made me smile, in the faces of those I love.

I’d forgotten I have angels for friends.

"They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't break even...no"

-"Breakeven" The Script

Currently obsessed with: everything to do with The Script
Lost in: The Autobiography of Martin Luther King JR.

*I used to dream that it'd be like The Magician's Nephew when I finally got the chance to climb in there. I'd find my way to a room with magic which would take me to a different world where I'd have adventures just like Diggory and Polly...and then one day I snuck up to my mom's room opened the ceiling door and climbed in. Let's just say the dead bats and the geckos were a reality check!