Today I am bitter. I have accpeted that I feel betrayed.Why? Becuase today is April 15th, meaning I will have been here four months in six days. In this, time which is deceivingly short I have failed to find one person who even remotely resembles the people I see on DStv.
When I was young, we didn’t have DStv in our house. My mother believed that money could be better spent showing her children the world outside the house. As a result I have been to every single National Park in Uganda except for Kidepo and only because there was a civil war going on and it wasn’t exactly safe. She probably couldn’t see herself explaining to people if anything went wrong.
Stranger – I heard your children died. Bambi, sorry. And sorry about losing your arm as well. What happened, exactly, if it doesn’t hurt too much to share..?
Mummy – Oh no, we were in Kidepo Valley National Park
Stranger – (In pitying voice) Running from your home since the rebels had attacked, pillaged and destroyed it? It is amazing how you got your girls that far from them before they found you again.
Mummy – No, no, anti you see we had been to the Mountains of the Moon and saw giraffes , and then last year in Murchison Falls we saw Giraffes. I felt they should see Kidepo Valley National Park as well.
Stranger - …You mean…you took your children to a war zone to see giraffes?!!
She is crazy. Just not that crazy.
The point is, as a child I consoled myself by pulling put the hunk of copper I got to keep from the Kilembe Mines whenever the conversation strayed to the newest cartoon on KTV. And yet, somehow I got more than an earful of it anyway. Jane (not real name) told of mythically handsome presenters on music shows and award shows. And when I visited family who were kinder towards their children’s wants, I did get a glimpse of these wonderful people.
And, and, and and, for the first time Jane had not lied! These DStv people were beautiful. They were African, and yet they didn’t look iffy. They were not helping Sheena as she rode her zebra to victory. They did not chant on and on in languages I could not understand and yet the characters insisted was swahili. These people were normal and yet cool. Elegant classy, Rastafarian not monkeyish, hip. I could connect to these people! I could aspire to be one of these people!
DStv led me on, told me that everyone in South Africa looked like that with flashy ads. And even the people in poverty looked classily poor. I mean, if Audrey Hepburn pulled off being Eliza Doolittle in just a movie why couldn’t these amazing people pull off the real thing? And I grew up and became a sarcastic smart a** but somehow I never turned a cynical eye onto DStv. Most people were actually adding onto the myth of this place, where everyone and everything was beautiful. Ludacris was rapping about how all the best women all reside in Africa based on his one trip to South Africa. And when people went to this country they actually got off the plane and walked around. They didn’t do a Bush, spend less than a day then fly away in presidential thing-majig. South Africa had this huge embossed in deep bold stamp of approval.
So when I came I thought,
1. That I would get off the plane and be immediately surrounded by beautiful people. Instead, and I am saying this in the nicest way I know how, I find that they make Besigye and the Kabaka look good. Not to mention Otafire. All those guys look good in comparison. ALL. Find the ugliest man in Kampala and he is Denzel compared to these guys.
2. That I would be entering the future of Africa, bright and industrialized….ha...no, no, wait. Double Ha. We should set our standard high above this. At least Uganda is categorized as third world because it is supposedly developing. There should be a category for countries who have are developed but are now stuck in a stage of stagnation where they no longer spend tax money on improving what they have because they are too busy stealing it to put a pool and 10ft wall protected by ADT around it.
3. That I would be leaving load shedding behind. I mean this is supposed be a first wolrd country. But no, Power goes everyday. Generators seem to be beyond the reach of even the university. No, I swear. When power goes, everyone kind of just ambles outside, lectures cancelled until it comes back. Does Makerere have generators? Should I consider a transfer? Sitting in a class of millions might be preferable to this cold.
4. That I would be leaving the uncouth behaviour of my fellow Ugandans so that I could learn to be a cosmopolitan African and then go back to share wisdom. DOUBLE HA. In my opinion Ugandans are the most polite Africans ever; we have the best manners hands down, followed by the rest of East Africa. When the men in the Old taxi park are calling out to you because they seem to think you are pretty do not get mad and do not flip them the finger. At least they are not physically showing their approval and telling you that you deserve to be raped for the way you are dressed….Revel in the fact that as a man walking alone down a dark street in Kampala you are not afraid for you will be raped. Yes, I said man. They do that here.
I feel betrayed. DStv is Judas Iscariot! He lies to you and you pay him to do it. Get GTV! At least education in the states is almost impossible for foreign students so they’ll never find themselves searching subconsciously for something that doesn’t exist.
When I was young, we didn’t have DStv in our house. My mother believed that money could be better spent showing her children the world outside the house. As a result I have been to every single National Park in Uganda except for Kidepo and only because there was a civil war going on and it wasn’t exactly safe. She probably couldn’t see herself explaining to people if anything went wrong.
Stranger – I heard your children died. Bambi, sorry. And sorry about losing your arm as well. What happened, exactly, if it doesn’t hurt too much to share..?
Mummy – Oh no, we were in Kidepo Valley National Park
Stranger – (In pitying voice) Running from your home since the rebels had attacked, pillaged and destroyed it? It is amazing how you got your girls that far from them before they found you again.
Mummy – No, no, anti you see we had been to the Mountains of the Moon and saw giraffes , and then last year in Murchison Falls we saw Giraffes. I felt they should see Kidepo Valley National Park as well.
Stranger - …You mean…you took your children to a war zone to see giraffes?!!
She is crazy. Just not that crazy.
The point is, as a child I consoled myself by pulling put the hunk of copper I got to keep from the Kilembe Mines whenever the conversation strayed to the newest cartoon on KTV. And yet, somehow I got more than an earful of it anyway. Jane (not real name) told of mythically handsome presenters on music shows and award shows. And when I visited family who were kinder towards their children’s wants, I did get a glimpse of these wonderful people.
And, and, and and, for the first time Jane had not lied! These DStv people were beautiful. They were African, and yet they didn’t look iffy. They were not helping Sheena as she rode her zebra to victory. They did not chant on and on in languages I could not understand and yet the characters insisted was swahili. These people were normal and yet cool. Elegant classy, Rastafarian not monkeyish, hip. I could connect to these people! I could aspire to be one of these people!
DStv led me on, told me that everyone in South Africa looked like that with flashy ads. And even the people in poverty looked classily poor. I mean, if Audrey Hepburn pulled off being Eliza Doolittle in just a movie why couldn’t these amazing people pull off the real thing? And I grew up and became a sarcastic smart a** but somehow I never turned a cynical eye onto DStv. Most people were actually adding onto the myth of this place, where everyone and everything was beautiful. Ludacris was rapping about how all the best women all reside in Africa based on his one trip to South Africa. And when people went to this country they actually got off the plane and walked around. They didn’t do a Bush, spend less than a day then fly away in presidential thing-majig. South Africa had this huge embossed in deep bold stamp of approval.
So when I came I thought,
1. That I would get off the plane and be immediately surrounded by beautiful people. Instead, and I am saying this in the nicest way I know how, I find that they make Besigye and the Kabaka look good. Not to mention Otafire. All those guys look good in comparison. ALL. Find the ugliest man in Kampala and he is Denzel compared to these guys.
2. That I would be entering the future of Africa, bright and industrialized….ha...no, no, wait. Double Ha. We should set our standard high above this. At least Uganda is categorized as third world because it is supposedly developing. There should be a category for countries who have are developed but are now stuck in a stage of stagnation where they no longer spend tax money on improving what they have because they are too busy stealing it to put a pool and 10ft wall protected by ADT around it.
3. That I would be leaving load shedding behind. I mean this is supposed be a first wolrd country. But no, Power goes everyday. Generators seem to be beyond the reach of even the university. No, I swear. When power goes, everyone kind of just ambles outside, lectures cancelled until it comes back. Does Makerere have generators? Should I consider a transfer? Sitting in a class of millions might be preferable to this cold.
4. That I would be leaving the uncouth behaviour of my fellow Ugandans so that I could learn to be a cosmopolitan African and then go back to share wisdom. DOUBLE HA. In my opinion Ugandans are the most polite Africans ever; we have the best manners hands down, followed by the rest of East Africa. When the men in the Old taxi park are calling out to you because they seem to think you are pretty do not get mad and do not flip them the finger. At least they are not physically showing their approval and telling you that you deserve to be raped for the way you are dressed….Revel in the fact that as a man walking alone down a dark street in Kampala you are not afraid for you will be raped. Yes, I said man. They do that here.
I feel betrayed. DStv is Judas Iscariot! He lies to you and you pay him to do it. Get GTV! At least education in the states is almost impossible for foreign students so they’ll never find themselves searching subconsciously for something that doesn’t exist.
1 comments:
Keep on UTV. No lies, there. The guys even cough horribly at the camera.
REPLY(I mean, spittle, et al.)
hi! thanks for commenting. I'm always open to new ideas. I can't wait to hear yours.